A recent meltdown (more mine than my son’s) of his sloppy (my description) job of washing dishes, and my determination to make him do it the “right” way prompted a heated discussion of why there is a “right” way, and why he has to do it that way, and why isn’t his way the “right” way. Notwithstanding my observation that it’s better to wash glasses before greasy pots, I had a moment of panic – had I become my mother and grandmother who really DID believe there is one right way to do just about everything? I don’t think I ever get called out the way I do with children – not in my marriage, not in counseling, not by my friends…

I don’t know whether I would choose the same path knowing what I know know about the sometimes brutality of life with children (whom I am besotted with – I feel I need to make that clear since I’ve also used the word “brutality”). I think I would – I know what I get, but I also know what it costs. Something I didn’t expect is that I think I’ve grown up a lot since having to learn to be in a family. I don’t know whether you get that chance if you’re not forced into it by something like having a family.

One thing Kreider missed, in talking to his friends-who-are-parents, is that none of them have children who are yet old enough to bring a full perspective to what, in fact, the parenting is ultimately all about. Yes, when your children are young, there is that daily, David Byrne-ish thought in your head (“My god; what have I done?!”). When your children grow up, become their own individual adults, you know what you’ve done. He was somewhat mystified about what everyone was getting out of it, this parent thing. Parents of young children are not the best people to ask, or to look to for the answer.

That all said, I think this ‘Referendum’ time is far better spent seeking to understand rather than regret the choices we have made to date. We always only act with the information available to us at the time: “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”